Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
