The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
