omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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