she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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