I accidentally burped into my bong.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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