You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
