I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
