Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
The ass gains better be worth it
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