I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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