when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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