So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
