I will die if light touches me.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
you traded sex for a burrito?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
