Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
