I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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