I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
