I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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