it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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