I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
