You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
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I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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