At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
