i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
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I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
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His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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