ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
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My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
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Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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