I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
