her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
