Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
