I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
We need a shit load of segways right now
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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