Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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