I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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