It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
