He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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