I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
