i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
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I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
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Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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