Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
