No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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