You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
