Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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