You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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