If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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