I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
