the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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