he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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