Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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