It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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