i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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