I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
