She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
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The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
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Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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