after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
