There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
