i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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