as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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