The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'm passing your future prison.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
