Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
