It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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