Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
