Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
