taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
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I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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