college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
