dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
