lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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