The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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